I 'saw' him again this evening. Of course he has no way of knowing that I was there. Well... may as well. I've calmed down. Whatever that had happened in the past few days are liked deja-vu. Hmmm... let me guess... gosh... its exactly liked 8 yrs ago! OMG!
U know something... if I've got a friend that is going thru what I am going thru now... I will def tell her to just forget it. Sometimes these things are jsut not worth fighting for.

BUT now that I AM in that position. I feel that I will only stop fighting once I know the truth. I mean I am not crazy to hang on to him and all that (hmmmm... ) BUT I just need to know.

Sometimes I wonder if this is my retribution for all the things I did to other men. Hey... its not that there are many others. BUT I was one of those ppl who is not into confrontation. I've ever simply 'dissappeared' from a person's life simply because he was getting tooo clingy and asking for more commitment in the relationship which I was not prepared to give then and... ever.

Oh dear... it sounds soooo similar doesn't it?

Kemaafan Dendam Yang Terindah - Aishah
(Forgiveness is the most wonderful revenge)

Kehangatan mentari ku rasakan
Tak sehangat api perbalahan
Ku Ketuk pintu hati
Senyap dan sunyi
Tiada jawapan yang ku perolehi

Dinginnya malam itu bagai salju
Tidak sedingin perasaanmu
Kau sengaja membina dinding pemisah
Di antara kita tak lagi bersemuka

Kekasih ku.. ku rasakan perlu
Menitip surat buat tatapan mu
Sekali ini aku rela merendah diri beralah
Agar perhubungan terjalin semula

Kekasih ku... tak mungkin ku tahu
Apa tersirat dihati kecil mu
Andainya aku yang bersalah
Maafkan saja...

Kemaafan dendam yang terindah...

Kehangatan mentari dingin salju
Bertukar ganti hari ke hari
Aku masih disini
Sabar menanti
Terbuka kembali hatimu yang terkunci...

Kekasih ku... ku rasakan perlu
Menitip surat buat tatatpan mu
Sekali ini aku rela merendah diri beralah
Agar perhubungan terjalin semula

Kekasih ku... tak mungkin ku tahu
Apa tersirat dihati kecil mu
Andainya aku yang ku bersalah
Maafkan saja...

Kemaafan dendam yang terindah...

As expected, we didn't meet up. As much as I had expected this... (hope for the best. expect the worst) I was not prepared for the emotional roller coster I felt then. It was simply sooo painful.
I cried and cried and cried. I cried soooo hard that my heart hurt. It was the hurt and the sadness that made the tears just flow freely. I've never felt soooo sad abt the whole thing as I did last night.
I am not sure why I cried? Was it the fact that he didn't call/msg to tell me that he can't make it. or was it the fact that I felt he see no importance to have this resolved!?
I mean if he does not care for me... why doesn't he just help me with this process of healing. I simply do not understand why is he procrastinating the whole thing if he doesn't care anymore.
I don't understand! Simply do not understand.

Me : After soooo many yrs, you are still capable of making me cry. WHY?!

Is he my true love?
“If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.”

Why is it that ppl are afraid to be alone? Is it really that bad that u are on ur own? I mean.... I am single... but I don't think I am alone nor am I lonely. Or... am I just kidding myself??

I spoke with my cousin this evening. She is in the process of a divorce at the moment. One of the reason she took this long to end this marriage was the fear of being alone. (Although this marriage is nothing that u can call a marriage. It has no communications, no emotions and no trust.) I told her she has to be prepared to be single again. She has to learn to be on her own and that not to rush into any relationship soon after. I highlighted to her that from history... she has been into a relationship one after another without a break. Basically she needs a MAN!

I told her she needs to be independent and not expect ppl to pick her up everytime she falls. Of course its great to have someone does that to u BUT she need to learn how to pick herself up.

This is my policy. Everyone is an individual. When you are into a relationship, its TWO individual person being together. NOT two people becoming ONE! cheh! So basically you will ALWAYS be YOU... bringing something of you into someone else's life and vice versa.

Soooo... even if you are into a relationship or not... you are not lost. You don't need another person to complete you. For me... my partner compliment me... not complete me.

This morning I decided to try again. I've been thinking and thinking and ... thinking. I cannot give up. I mean I can do that when I've finally get my answer. Not before. My friend was telling me that I shd just settled it on the phone. But its diff. I NEED to see his face. His reactions. It never lies. Well.. hopefully.

Me: I'm trying again here. I've got my wkend off this wk. Do u want to do breakfast after your morning duty either on sat or sun? Or perhaps supper tonight aftre your show?
He: Most probably sun afternoon or night.
Me: k

I've been thinking... (which is not that good). What exactly do I want out of all these?

First and foremost I knew why I did it. Simple. I want my closure!

Although along the way, the whole thing changed... I still think I need the answer to that chapter of my life. If so be it that we were to start something new... that chapter still need to be addressed!

So am I wrong to 'push' him for it? One part of me feel that I should not pressure him, the other part tell me that I need to nudge once in awhile. Ahhhh... I feel sooo naggy. Mcm old lady liked that.

continue from the previous posting.

We were supposed to meet on Monday. But as expected he couldn't make it as he had to work that night. One thing good abt him being in the public... u can tell that he's telling u the truth if he's really working or not... :-D

His SMSes
He : I am rostered to work tonigh on air. :(
Me: YOU MUST BE KIDDING!!
He: u can *sensor* at 8pm! My mum dah jadi tarzan! Then I got to do *sensor* for ....."
Me:*somewhere along the line* Do u want to see me in the 1st place or not?
He: I felt accused. Thank you
Me: I have no doubt you have to wk. and i feel for u that u have to do this at the last min. But I nd to know if I am just being a fool here.

*silence....*

Me: So...?
He: I will see you. My work is topsy turvy.
Me: Sorry. The question was ... do you want to see me NOT if you will see me.
He: Yes!
Me: Was it soooo difficult to say that? Ok. Can we have this done before Muharam. New yr, new state of mind.
He: Can I try? I am now in *sensor* w boss on my neck! Stress
Me: *His full name and family name!" are u trying to bargain with me!? etc etc etc
He: this is a bad time to argue. I just spend 2 days working here and not gng home. I will see u!! my boss just screwed me up here.

Which at this point I decided not to reply his sms.

Well.... this is my first posting. So many things are hapenning in my life that I feel the need to just pen it down ... or else I'll just lose it. Not sure why I need to have this recorded? Is it because I want to forever remember the pain or perhaps... the joy. Hmmm... I would like to think that its the latter.

I'm at a point of my life where I am confused and unsure how it should go. Don't get me wrong. I know what I want... well... sort of. Unfortunately these involved another party to have this things work.

Let me start from the beginning.
12th Dec 2005
I called me ex after many many many yrs (Believe me... it has been YEARS!) After all the formalities, I just told him that I needed his help. There was silence. No worries, it does not involved money nor sacrifices, I told him. I just needed him to have my closure! I told him I need to know what had happened to us. It seemed as much as I tried to move on, I can't. I realised that I was always comparing all the guys with him. As much as I told my friends that I've moved on... deep deep inside I knew that I have not. He will always have a special spot in my life - always.

At the moment, there's someone who is showing an interest in me. Nothing is happening. But it made me realised that in order for me to be able to get into ANY relationship, I HAVE to have my closure with him.

Ok... here where it got complicated.
When I called him, I thought there would be more denial and aloofness. I have to say that I was surprised at what he had to say. Although my sixth sense told me that he is not over me...:-D I thought I was just being 'thick skinned' and... 'OVER' .

Well, that day he confirmed it! He was surprised that I needed a closure. He told me that the day he found out that I started dating... he was heartbroken and thought I HAD my closure. He hated me then and jsut didn't want to have anything to do with me. He said if truth be told I was the best thing that happened in his life. The best! Ahhhh....

In a recent interviewed that he did in the local paper, he confirmed that he has someone special in his life but had difficulty maintaining the relationship as he was not able to give her a 'kepastian' , confirmation(?). And that he is going through a hard time with her.

When I read the paper then... I have to say I was sad and also a tinge of happiness (liar!!) that he finally found someone special.

Guess what?! Apparently I was the person that he was referring to in the paper duh! When he told me... everything changed!

...to be continued