June, July, August and now Sept.

Wow... 4 months since I last wrote in this blog. Well the sudden urge to write is because I am at a crossroad again and need to put it down into writting. Hey... afterall they did say that I am a usage of the left hemisphere of the brain... whatever that might mean. The need to take a prob out and sort it accordingly. so... here I am back again.

But tomorrow ok? right now... I am going to sleep as I have to be in the office early early. Wait for me.

Alot of things had happened for the last few months.

A friend recently commented that I only go for men that are not attainable. Its either they're married, in a foreign land, not straight or of a different religion? I thought for awhile and told him, maybe because its 'safer'?

But is it?

How do u react when someone who is not attainable says "I can never get enuff of you" to you? Are you supposed to act dumb or react to it. I choose clarification.

I really don't know, man. Its liked... you know he's great and perhaps ... he IS ur soul mates... but its just not right. Not because its not right, right... but morally its just NOT right! gosh... am I making sense here??? "RIGHT NOT RIGHT??"

It feels liked I am having an affair with this person. I get excited when he calls. His SMSes never fails to bring a smile on my face. He brings color to my life as I am sure I bring to his. Gosh... if only its not complicated.

Have you been in a crossroad where you know what you're doing is wrong but.... you just can't help it. Sigh. I really do not know what I am doing. I know its wrong (??) but the feeling is soo very nice. Is it right to pursue my happiness when I am hurting so many ppl in process?
Is it worth it??

It has been months since my last entry. It was done on purpose, I guess, as there was nothing much to update with regards to the feeling. I guess it was another realisation that he simply... doesn't care.

Last month I met up with one of our close mutual friend. She had called me a wk or so before that mt up. Apparently she had just spoken to him and he told her what happened. He had told her abt me wanting my closure and all that. I mean I don't mind her knowing ... eventually I wld have done it myself too. What HE told her shocked me though.

He: *my name* wants closure
she: sorry...?
He: Closure! Cheh! What closure is she talking abt!?? There's nothing to talk abt. I do want to see her!

That piece of information was enough for me to stop hoping anymore. What I was... still am ... sad is how he has changed to be a COWARD!

Its time for me to let go.

I 'saw' him again this evening. Of course he has no way of knowing that I was there. Well... may as well. I've calmed down. Whatever that had happened in the past few days are liked deja-vu. Hmmm... let me guess... gosh... its exactly liked 8 yrs ago! OMG!
U know something... if I've got a friend that is going thru what I am going thru now... I will def tell her to just forget it. Sometimes these things are jsut not worth fighting for.

BUT now that I AM in that position. I feel that I will only stop fighting once I know the truth. I mean I am not crazy to hang on to him and all that (hmmmm... ) BUT I just need to know.

Sometimes I wonder if this is my retribution for all the things I did to other men. Hey... its not that there are many others. BUT I was one of those ppl who is not into confrontation. I've ever simply 'dissappeared' from a person's life simply because he was getting tooo clingy and asking for more commitment in the relationship which I was not prepared to give then and... ever.

Oh dear... it sounds soooo similar doesn't it?

Kemaafan Dendam Yang Terindah - Aishah
(Forgiveness is the most wonderful revenge)

Kehangatan mentari ku rasakan
Tak sehangat api perbalahan
Ku Ketuk pintu hati
Senyap dan sunyi
Tiada jawapan yang ku perolehi

Dinginnya malam itu bagai salju
Tidak sedingin perasaanmu
Kau sengaja membina dinding pemisah
Di antara kita tak lagi bersemuka

Kekasih ku.. ku rasakan perlu
Menitip surat buat tatapan mu
Sekali ini aku rela merendah diri beralah
Agar perhubungan terjalin semula

Kekasih ku... tak mungkin ku tahu
Apa tersirat dihati kecil mu
Andainya aku yang bersalah
Maafkan saja...

Kemaafan dendam yang terindah...

Kehangatan mentari dingin salju
Bertukar ganti hari ke hari
Aku masih disini
Sabar menanti
Terbuka kembali hatimu yang terkunci...

Kekasih ku... ku rasakan perlu
Menitip surat buat tatatpan mu
Sekali ini aku rela merendah diri beralah
Agar perhubungan terjalin semula

Kekasih ku... tak mungkin ku tahu
Apa tersirat dihati kecil mu
Andainya aku yang ku bersalah
Maafkan saja...

Kemaafan dendam yang terindah...